Fantasy McCain VP Preview

With the Joe Biden settled as the Democrat V.P. nominee, here is a brief analysis of the best Republican candidates for the position James Nance Garner once described as worth “a warm bucket of piss.”  In the spirit of the impending fantasy football season, Old Rough and Ready has broken down some potential Republican V.P. choices.

 

 

 

Colin Powell

 

 

Colin Powell:  Powell is the only candidate guaranteed to make a profound difference on the ticket.  His nomination as Vice President would be a walk-off home run, game, set, match.  So what if he is pro-choice and not very conservative?  He is the most respected public figure in America, he is a man that almost no American would have a problem with seeing as President, and it might be possible to get him to accept, as the VP job is basically only as hard as the VP wants it to be. 

 

Upside: The most qualified human being in the United States for the Presidency, gives McCain a little history of his own, is thoughtful, courageous, and proven, and will coax out the covert racism of the left.  Oh, and McCain would be basically guaranteed to win the election.

 

+ Americans

 

Downside: Lots of bitching from the right wing, maybe five Republicans nationwide actually stay home as a result of it.

 

- The most lunatic fringe of the Republican party.

 

Bottom Line: You have to ask him, and you have to nominate him if he says yes, under any conditions he might desire.  

 

Sarah Palin

 

 

Sarah Palin:  The governor of Alaska is smart, effective, principled, and efficient.  She made her reputation fighting corruption in Alaska, and has a proven willingness to buck her party.  However she is ideologically very conservative.  Presumably, she would have a strong appeal to soccer moms, because she is one herself.  She comes from a humble background.  Also, she is a straight up political gangsta, folks who have opposed her are for the most part now out of politics. 

 

Upside: Appealing to women and working class voters, great story, very good on the stump, fresh new face, probably up to the job.  Has more executive experience than either McCain or Obama.  Can make strong appeals on energy, budget, and corruption.

 

+ Women, working class voters, polar bears

 

Downside:  Possible connection to a goofy possible scandal involving the firing of her ex brother-in-law.  No one knows who she is.  Is from Alaska. 

 

- Sexist Democrats (voting for Obama anyway)

 

Bottom Line: Possible game changer provided that the brother-in-law scandal is BS.  Take her if you absolutely need a “genuine conservative.”  At very least, she needs to be brought in as a major surrogate and speaker at the convention.

 

Mitt Romney

 

 

Mitt Romney:  Republican governor or a super-liberal state with huge personal wealth and a strong background in business and administration.  Has strong executive experience.  Son of popular former Michigan governor George Romney.  Was one of McCain’s major opponents in the primaries.  Of course, there was a reason Romney lost.  He looks plastic, is a blatant panderer, and seems to have no identifiable political principles. 

 

Upside:  Good looking, articulate enough, has tons of money.  Also would add some economic gravitas to the ticket.  Should add a bump in Michigan. 

 

+ Michigan, business folk

 

Downside:  As many people in the party hate him as hate McCain, notorious flip flopper, got little support in the primary, engages in dishonest and disgraceful pandering.  Is a douchebag.  

 

- People who don’t like Mormons, people who don’t like rich folks.

 

Bottom line: Probably hurts the ticket more than he helps.  Dangle a cabinet post to him and let him keep working as a surrogate. 

 

Joe Lieberman

 

 

Joe Lieberman:  Democratic senator buddy of McCain.  Rock solid on Iraq and foreign policy, pretty liberal on everything else.  Could change tenor of McCain campaign to national unity ticket, which has only been tried (successfully) once before (1864).  Would be only person to be V.P. nominee of both parties.  Offers strong reassurance if McCain dies, though not to Republicans. 

 

Upside: National unity government has been a winner in other countries.  Would kill “Bush’s third term” argument of Obama campaign.  Would put Dems into a tizzy, pushing them farther from center.  Would cause result in Republican pickup in the Senate, because Dems would read Lieberman out of the Party.  Adds “Democratic Party is abandoning American values” narrative to storyline, which could be very powerful.

 

+ Democrats, patriots, independents.

 

Downside: Right would flip out.  A Dem VP is might be a bridge too far considering McCain’s age. 

 

- Conservatives, business folk.

 

Bottom Line:  Depends on how the McCain campaign thinks they are doing.  If they are pretty sure they will lose otherwise, he is a game changer.  If they think they can win outright, he is not worth the risk.  The risk is huge, but the reward is potentially much bigger.

 

Tom Ridge

 

 

Tom Ridge:  Former Pennsylvania governor and Secretary of Homeland Security.  Experienced, if uninspiring, executive.  Mildly pro-choice.  Good on the stump, reliable, strong in an important state. 

 

Pros: Experienced, steady pick.  About as mildly pro-choice as one could be.  Might be able to put Pennsylvania in play, and should campaign strongly in midwest, where the major battleground should be.  Fits in with McCain’s moderate image. 

 

+ Pennsylvanians, working class.

 

Cons: Will inspire some noise from the religious right.  No real signature issue.  Department of Homeland Security had problems. 

 

- Religious right, fiscal conservatives

 

Bottom line: Safe, steady choice for McCain, crying from the right aside.  Not sure he brings much to the table, though. 

 

Bobby Jindal

 

 

Bobby Jindal: Governor and former House Member from Louisiana.  Represents new generation of Republicans.  Super smart, good speaker, pleasant guy.  Only recently elected governor, though.  Not very experienced, 10 years (!) younger than Obama. 

 

Pros: Fresh new face, genuine conservative, very likable.  Right wing likes him a lot.

 

+ Conservatives, young people.

 

Cons: Way too inexperienced for the job.  Increases McCain risk factor.  Undercuts McCain message.  Louisiana will go for McCain anyway.   Brings nothing to battleground states. 

 

- ? Independents?

 

Bottom Line:  He needs to have a major speaking slot at the convention, not the V.P. nomination.  Let him continue to develop in the minors for a few more years.  

Tim Pawlenty

 

 

Tim Pawlenty: Successful two term governor of Minnesota.  Popular governor of a swing state.  Presence on the ballot would presumably help other Republicans, like Norm Coleman in Minnesota.  Midwesterner, good, not great, speaker. 

 

Pros: Conservatives have no beef with him.  History of working with Democrats.  Elected twice in Democrat majority state.  Strong economic background.  Can make infrastructure a particular cause.  No obvious weaknesses.

 

+ Midwesterners, working class. 

 

Cons: Nothing especially dramatic about him.  No foreign policy bona fides.  Name will look weird on signs and will often be misspelled. 

 

- Independents

 

Bottom Line:  Good, safe pick.  Potential successor.

 

Mike Huckabee

 

 

Mike Huckabee:  Excellent speaker, very personable, down to earth, great campaigner.  Proved bona-fides in campaign against McCain.  Executive experience.  Great with the media.  Evangelicals love him, fiscal conservatives hate him.  Wants to have a constitutional convention to bring the Constitution more in line with the Bible. 

 

Pros: Strong with evangelicals, a constituency that does not like McCain.  Great with media, should be able to connect with working class voters. 

 

+ Religious conservatives, populist Republicans.

 

Cons:  That constitutional convention idea is straight-up insane.  Would lose more votes due to it than he could possibly bring to the ticket. 

 

- Fiscal conservatives, independents, non-evangelicals. 

 

Bottom Line:  A wonderful guy and a great spokesman, but he would be the political equivalent of downing a spoonful of strychnine.  There is no way in hell he should ever be near a Presidential ticket because of that constitutional convention idea. 

 

Rob Portman

 

 

 

 

 

John Kasich

 

 

Rob Portman/ John Kasich:  The interchangeable Ohioans bring Washington experience and economic backgrounds without much in the way of executive experience.  Portman has more, and has established a reputation as a competent administrator.  Kasich has more experience in Washington, having served as a Representative.   

 

Pros: Genuine conservatives from an important swing state, well respected, likeable.  Both are good speakers with no obvious baggage.  Portman left the Bush administration with an enhanced reputation for competence and efficiency.  Kasich is more colorful, playing bass guitar as a hobby. 

 

+ Ohio, working class voters.

 

Cons: Neither one has served as governor, or has extensive experience.  Both are largely unknown.  Neither one is a guaranteed jolt to the ticket.  Portman adds credence to the “Bush’s third term” press narrative.

 

- Independents

 

Bottom line: One of these guys should win the governorship of Ohio before we start them on the road to the Presidency.  They don’t bring much to the table, but don’t take much off, either.  McCain needs a bolder pick. 

 

 

Rough and Ready Republican V.P. Rankings:

 

1)      Powell

2)      Palin

3)      Pawlenty

4)      Lieberman

5)      Ridge

6)      Jindal

7)      Portman

8)      Kasich

9)      Romney

10)  Huckabee